Shop Official Merch

Description: Shy in groups, but say “deductions” and I’ll light up like a calculator in April.

Description: Quiet in crowds, but say “plants” and I’ll show you 12 leafy babies and tell you all their names and backstories.

Description: Quiet in crowds, but say “plants” and I’ll show you 12 leafy babies and tell you all their names and backstories.

Description: Socially awkward, but mention serial killers and I’ll turn into a true crime podcast with dramatic flair.

Description: Too tired to talk—unless it’s about naps, then I’m suddenly wide awake and full of cozy opinions.

Description: Shy around people, but mention dogs and I’ll show you 47 photos and rank my top 5 good boys.

Description: Shy around people, but mention dogs and I’ll show you 47 photos and rank my top 5 good boys.

Description: Quietly judging your bookshelf choices—let’s talk plots, not small talk.

Description: Socially distant by nature, but pitch a tent and I’ll tell you my best campfire stories.

Description: Shy in groups, but say “deductions” and I’ll light up like a calculator in April.

Description: Breaking a sweat in the metaverse—elite reflexes, zero travel time, and unlimited respawns.

Description: Out of pencils, patience, and sanity—recharging all systems before the next school year chaos begins.

Description: Writes bold, feels powerful—spelling confidence one massive stroke at a time.

Description: Writes bold, feels powerful—spelling confidence one massive stroke at a time.

Description: I have Selective Hearing Sorry You Weren’t Selected Today

Description: I have Selective Hearing Sorry You Weren’t Selected Today

Description: Old school vibes, new tricks—spoiling pups like grandkids and walking slower so they can sniff everything twice.

Description: Old school vibes, new tricks—spoiling pups like grandkids and walking slower so they can sniff everything twice.

Description: Bakes for humans, spoils the pups—treats in every pocket and love in every walk.

Description: Bakes for humans, spoils the pups—treats in every pocket and love in every walk.

Description: Sending holy vibes and high hopes—may Pope Leo XIV keep the blessings coming and the drama minimal.

Description: Sending holy vibes and high hopes—may Pope Leo XIV keep the blessings coming and the drama minimal.

Description: Tough days happen—just don’t let them have the last word. You’re stronger than the storm.

Description: Tough days happen—just don’t let them have the last word. You’re stronger than the storm.

Description: Sober, steady, and solving for x—keeping the ride smooth and the calculus smoother.

Description: Sober, steady, and solving for x—keeping the ride smooth and the calculus smoother.

Description: Pockets full of bribes and snacks—your go-to hookup for all things tasty.

Description: Pockets full of bribes and snacks—your go-to hookup for all things tasty.

Description: Not speaking up isn't neutral—it's a choice. Say something, do something, stand for something.

Description: Raised ‘em with love, a little chaos, and zero common sense—but hey, they’re mine and I’m proud.

Description: Raised ‘em with love, a little chaos, and zero common sense—but hey, they’re mine and I’m proud.

Description: Did my best, they did the rest—proud dad of some lovable knuckleheads just winging it through life.

Description: Did my best, they did the rest—proud dad of some lovable knuckleheads just winging it through life.

Description: Big miracles, bigger love—He's got the receipts and the save game always on.

Description: Big miracles, bigger love—He's got the receipts and the save game always on.

Description: Bold enough to admit it, smart enough to be scared—respectfully terrified since day one.